Ok, so I still would not prefer to continue living like this--I mean selling pizza and keeping crazy hours and not building my career. But I have noticed some very good things that this lifestyle has afforded me in the last few months:

Spontaneity. I can up and go wherever (and almost whenever) I please. I've traveled all over the state this semester. This has enabled me to explore things and places I've not had the chance to see on my own before. In these travels, I've visited SO many friends. I feel closer to many of them than I have in years.

I get to stay up late and sleep late. Most days my biological clock is my alarm clock. It's strange, but cool. I tried to live on a normal schedule for a while, but finally gave up. I may never get to do this again.

I've been able to appreciate art, movies, books, and other things without the fear of not finishing homework or lesson plans. I'm discovering more of who I am and what interests me.

I've become a much stronger woman than I was at Christmas time. I've reviewed some of my journal entries, and I've gone from an emotional wreck to someone sure of who she is and ready to stand on what she believes. Once I decided to set my mind to it, this extra time in my schedule has allowed some of my wounds to heal. Or at least begin to.

In a rough economy, I am actually living pretty comfortable. Now I can't go blow my money on a car or anything crazy, but I've been extremely careful with my money, and I am able to save some and enjoy some. Living with my parents may not be the most ideal of circumstances, but it's helped me begin to put my feet on the ground.

God does know what He's doing. I may not have appreciated this semester off for a long time, but I am beginning to see that it was probably needed more than I can imagine. Now I get to begin my career as a healthy young woman rather than a shriveled up, stressed, worn out person who's barely hanging on to the last straw.

Thank you, God, for your providence.

I've been super busy working on the job search this week. I sent in a handful of applications, did some namedropping here and there, and went to usm horn day with the hopes of meeting new band directors. I didn't meet any new directors, but I did hear about some exciting openings that probably won't be posted. I'm hoping my connections will be good enough to get a foot in one of those doors.

I'm not sure why, but this week has left me feeling pretty good. I read through some old journal entries (from my real journals) and remembered times that seemed awful at the time--but now I can see how those times were good for me. I know that this chapter will probably end up being the same way. It is a daily battle, really--to continue feeling good about myself when it is easier to feel like nothing is going for me.

I don't know why, but I think something big is coming in the next few weeks. Maybe I'll actually get an interview soon. I bought a new suit last week. Pretty exciting!

Ok, so in the last 6 weeks I've made two or three difficult decisions--maybe the kind that ten years from now I'll look back and recognize as a real pivotal point in my life. Hopefully these changes will continue to be as positive as they seem to be.

I left the guy I was dating and broke off communication with Andrew (the tougher decision out of these two). The break up wasn't bad at all. It was a little overdue, I think, but we're cool. Burning the bridges I had with Andrew proved to be pretty difficult. I'm still struggling with that, but I think--no, I know--it was the right thing to do.

I read the book "He's Just Not That Into You," and I've learned some pretty valuable lessons that have probably been staring me in the face for the last 2 years. For one thing, I'm not going to chase a man. I already felt that way before, but now I feel it for different reasons. I'm not wasting another wink of energy with a man who doesn't treat me like he's crazy about me. I'm not wasting any energy trying to impress anyone. And I'm ESPECIALLY not going to waste another ounce of energy on any man who has to think twice about choosing me or another woman. This is not to say that men are all jerks--I don't feel that way at all. I just think that if (and I do mean if) the right one comes along, I won't have to convince him to like me. He just will! If things that fundamental aren't there already, it's probably not worth my time.

I made a decision to love myself. I've quit beating up myself for not being exactly how I want to be. I've quit being angry because I'm at what seems like a dead point in my career--and living with my parents. I realized that if God sees all that is me (and all that isn't), if He sees all of my failures and whatnot and still thinks I'm worthy of being loved, maybe the biggest thing I can do is simply agree with Him. I will love myself (curves and all) and take care of myself because I'm a daughter of a King, and I'm worthy of those things simply because of that.

I have faith in God. I believe that He's using this time in my life to prepare me for something much greater--as long as I have faith. I've been spending time with Him, and He's spoken to me more clearly than ever. I've experienced more peace and joy in the last 6 weeks than--well, I don't know how long! I'm not saying these decisions have been easy. What seems like a little change in this blog has been a HUGE change in the way I've lived my life and carried myself. For one thing (please don't laugh), I'm more single than I have been in years. Not only am I not dating, there's absolutely no one that I've got my eye on--and I don't really know that anyone has his eye on me either. This is strange timing, because I've realized that I am the ONLY one of my girlfriends who is single--then there's always all the women who ask me when it's my turn to get married (as if I know--or even appreciate being asked that). But that's ok with me. I've swallowed the fact that love doesn't happen for everyone, and God's teaching me that He's enough for me.

After it's all said and done, I guess I've just decided to suck it up, grow up, and fully trust God to know what He's doing with me. I have more confidence, more smiles, and I let myself eat more chocolate. I stand a little taller, too. And I owe all of these things to God--He asked me to make these changes, and I did. And He's rewarding me for that.